i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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