omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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