Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
