Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
