better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
