Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
