there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
