oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
