i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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