It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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