i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
