I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
