Kareoke will never be a sober sport
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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