i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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