I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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