u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
