Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
