Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
