Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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