How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
