I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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