Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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