go do what you do best...puke behind churches
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
