after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
