I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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