I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
