Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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