Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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