oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
