paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
