Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
