So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
