i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
