2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
