If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I lost the right to judge tonight
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
