wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
