My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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