I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
