How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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