dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
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