a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
