I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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