Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
