Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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