Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
