it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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