I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
