Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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