I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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