i permit you to call me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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