I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
